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Lauren has an invisible muscle disorder and is in a relationship with someone who does not have a disability and had never dated a disabled partner before. Because her disability is not visible, communication became necessary early on. People cannot see what is happening in her body, so her capacity, limits and energy often have to be explained rather than assumed.
Within a relationship, this creates conversations many couples never have to name. Understanding what Lauren can do on any given day requires talking about it directly. Assumptions often miss the mark, especially when lived experiences differ. Asking questions instead of guessing reduces resentment and increases understanding, and she notes that this applies to all relationships, not only interabled ones.
Early in the relationship, Lauren and her partner used question-based games to help with communication. Over time, communication extended beyond conversation. Observation became important. Noticing how Lauren plans her day, how she paces herself or how she adapts without comment opens the door to better questions. Anchoring questions to something real makes them feel grounded rather than repetitive. Trying to imagine what a situation might feel like for the other person also helps guide those conversations.
Energy levels and boundaries shape how time is spent together. Differences in pace exist in every relationship. Some people move quickly, others more slowly. Planning together helps manage that. When travelling, longer trips allow for slower mornings, breaks throughout the day and flexible schedules. In daily life, busier weekends are balanced with quieter ones, and future plans adjust when energy has been stretched.
Those choices make shared time more manageable. Planning becomes something done together rather than something imposed.
There have been moments when Lauren’s partner noticed things about her disability experience that she had normalised and overlooked. Because she has lived with her disability her entire life, some things feel ordinary to her. Her partner has pointed out patterns, including internalised ableism from childhood, that she had not fully recognised herself. Being seen in that way was surprising and meaningful.
One example that stands out is a gift her partner gave her: an electric jar opener. At first, Lauren did not see it as romantic and barely used it for months. Later, when she was alone and unable to open a jar, she tried it and realised it worked well. She understood then that the gift was meant to support her even when her partner was not there, and that changed how she thought about romance.
Talking about disability did not follow a set timeline. In both of Lauren’s relationships, disclosure happened when physical situations made explanation unavoidable, such as long walks or steep hills. Timing depended on her comfort level. Disclosure unfolded through multiple conversations, especially when initial explanations were misunderstood.
Over time, sharing her disability brought Lauren closer to her partner rather than pushing him away. That is something she might not have believed earlier, but experience changed that.
1. Why interabled couples often develop stronger communication habits
“Communication becomes a necessity. When you’re dating as someone with an invisible disability, there’s a lot of learning about each other’s capacity. People can’t see what’s going on for me, so sometimes, I have to explain it.”
2. Asking instead of assuming strengthens trust
“Making assumptions can lead to resentment, even in relationships without disability. People might think they know what their partner wants, and get it wrong. Asking questions, having conversations and empathy increases understanding, and that’s what brings you closer.”
3. What all couples can learn from navigating energy, boundaries, and support
“Differences in pace exist in every relationship, so planning together helps. When we plan vacations, we try to aim for longer stays in places so we can go slower, take breaks, and start later. If one weekend is busy, we try to have the next one be slower. You learn your boundaries by paying attention to what takes too much out of you.”
4. Clear communication creates intimacy beyond traditional romantic gestures
“Dan notices things about my disability experience that I don’t even notice myself, because I’ve lived with it my whole life, so I guess I’ve normalized elements of it. Him pointing things out about me that I didn’t realize about myself makes me feel understood.”
“He bought me an electric jar opener, and at first I made fun of him for months and thought it wasn’t romantic at all. Later, when I needed it and decided to try it, and it worked so well, I realised that it was actually a romantic gift after all. It’s him seeing my needs and supporting me, even when he’s not there.”
Lauren is familiar with the fear of being “too much.” Often, that fear grew larger internally than it ever became in real life. She recognises that everyone has something they hesitate to share, whether it is disability, mental health, family situations or something else. Disability is one example of vulnerability, not an exception to it.
Limited energy has also shaped how Lauren handles conflict. She lives with about 33 percent of the physical strength of the average person, which means daily tasks require more effort. Because of that, she is selective about what she spends energy on. Not every issue is worth arguing over and letting go of smaller things helps preserve capacity for what matters.
Language matters as well. Lauren prefers the word “support” over “help,” because support recognises that she is still doing the task while someone else is adding to it. Language preferences differ, but these distinctions affect how care feels.
One misconception Lauren encounters often is the idea that interabled relationships are defined by one-sided care. That framing overlooks the emotional support, understanding and stability disabled partners bring into relationships. Having a disability does not mean Lauren is not a good partner or unable to meet someone else’s needs.
If there is one message Lauren hopes readers take away, it is simple.
“You are not too much for the right person. Your disability will not be too much for someone who is empathetic and wants to be with you.”